Postpartum Depression at 18 Months Postpartum?

But I thought that could only happen right after birth? Not for me. It's like my body held it all inside until everything finally exploded and fell apart at 18 months postpartum.

To back things up, I gave birth to my daughter in August 2021. My husband played in the NFL at the time and was signed to a new team just two short weeks before my due date. I spent the first three weeks postpartum alone while my husband was in training camp. We moved when she was 10 weeks old, and moved twice more before the end of her first year of life.

To say I felt ungrounded and unstable is an understatement.

But I felt like I just had to keep going and had to keep moving - for myself, for my young daughter, for my husband. I was giving my mind, body and soul to support a newborn and my husbands football career that I had nothing left for myself.

Fast forward to the Fall of 2022. My husband was released from his team and hadn't been picked up by another one. As the season was winding down, it didn't look like any opportunities would be coming his way and that's when things really got rough.

I started feeling very unlike myself. I remember being so so angry with no particular target in mind. One particular afternoon, I was driving to the grocery store just to get out of the house and I was so angry I was screaming in the car and slamming on the steering wheel. I am not usually a very angry or emotional person, so this rage coming out of me terrified me.

I have always been an anxious person, but my anxiety was worse than it has ever been. My brain could not shut off no matter how hard I tried. I hadn't had a panic attack in years and I had two in 24 hours.

Then the depression hit. I felt so up and down, with more frequent and longer lows than I had ever experienced. I felt seriously off and I knew I needed help. Thank god for the internet because I was able to find a psychiatrist online and booked an appointment for the next day. She prescribed me with a low dose of Lexapro, which has quite honestly changed my life in so many ways.

For the first time in my life, I was able to quiet and still my racing mind. The intrusive thoughts began to lessen. The dissociative episodes where I felt like I was in the Matrix and nothing seemed real became less and less frequent. The desire to run away and leave my life began to ease. I was able to feel like I could just be still.

Stillness can be hard when you feel like you've been moving your whole life. My parents divorced when I was five years old and since then I have moved somewhere upwards of twenty times. For the first time in my life, I have had to confront things that I just kept physically running away from. Below are some of the things in my life that have helped me cope with the stillness and to feel happy with where I am.

Yoga Teacher Training

Thank God for Yoga Teacher Training. It came into my life at exactly the right time and changed me profoundly. With monthly self-discovery homework including developing a daily at home movement and meditation practice made coping with the stillness easier.

It has helped me to find friends for life and develop a community of like minded people. It has helped me overcome chronic perfectionism that was blocking me from even trying anything to begin with. Because of this training, I have discovered my passion for helping pregnant and postpartum mamas heal their bodies and listen to their intuition.

Lexapro

There has always been a stigma against medication in my family. I remember talking to my Dad about taking Trazodone just after college during another particularly bad bout of anxiety & insomnia. He said something a long the lines of "You need to be careful with that stuff, you don't know what that medicine can do to you." Great thing to tell someone with anxiety and insomnia with a hand held computer in bed at night.

I also feel that there can be a stigma against medication in the health & wellness communities. Like if you were truly healed and the highest version of yourself, you wouldn't need it. I needed it. I thought I would be able to taper off after Ketamine Therapy but I wasn't. I went back on Lexapro a few months later.

Don't feel guilty or ashamed if you need medication to help balance your brain chemistry. It may end up helping you in so many profound ways.

EMDR

In combination with Lexapro and Ketamine therapy Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) has helped me tremendously. I have done Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Talk Therapy in the past. Both have their benefits but I have found the most change and progress with EMDR. It has given me permission to express & explore unprocessed memories and emotions that I didn't even know were still affecting me in the present. It has helped me to find my voice again and the confidence to express my emotions & feelings without fear.

EMDR therapy works by processing trauma with both sides of the brain stimulated. The bilateral movements and stimulation help a memory become unstuck within the brain and allow our natural neural networks to reconnect from one side of the brain to the other.

If this sounds appealing to you, start by searching here for an EMDR Clinician near you.

Ketamine Therapy

Wow - this one blew me wide open. I kept hearing about Ketamine Therapy on podcasts I was listening to and I got super curious. Through my research, I found out that Ketamine Therapy increases the neuroplasticity of your brain, helping to improve your mood and thought patterns as your brain creates new connections. It can help alleviate anxiety, depression, and CPTSD symptoms. It sounded like a perfect fit.

After my first treatment, I remember being so incredibly at peace and present in the moment like I have never experienced before. Things only got better from there with subsequent treatments. I used an at home treatment program called

but do your research to find the best fit for you! I can't wait to start Ketamine treatments again once I am finished breastfeeding baby no. 2.